Hey...

Hi Friends,

Things have been going okay, pretty good if you consider all the changes that have been going on.

The kids are now seeing their father UNsupervised.  The first time, I admit, was more than scary, but everything worked out.

I really wish I would keep this space up to date more and express my feelings about the things that are happening...

Anyway...  Visits have been going well.  I have had to set my boundaries a few times with the soon-to-be ex, but it's smoothing out.  

That's all for now.  Gotta go meet my daughter!

Fluctuate

Ever since court was over last Wednesday, my moods have been all over the place mood wise.  I've been fluctuating - many up and downs throughout the day.  Some times I feel good about what happened in court, and other times I really beat myself up over the outcome - that I gave him too much, that I sacrificed the kids for the sake of peace, and that I so quickly fell back under some of his power and control.  It really is a tough place to be.

Their first visit went smoothly, just one minor glitch.  I really do want the whole thing to work out in the absolute best possible way.  I want the visits to run smoothly and the schedule to be problem free.  

I know I need to quit being so hard on myself... but that is easier said than done.

Update

Court is over.  I made an offer and he accepted.  We have joint custody,  with the kids permanent residence with me.  He now has unsupervised visits.

Court day surprised me.  He had people there that I've know for years to be character witnesses for him and witnesses as to how bad of a mother I am.  To say the least, I felt betrayed.

Now we have a schedule made until the end of the year - when the kiddies will be with him.  It's sorta nerve wracking, having the kids alone with him when they haven't been for a year.  

I have been fluctuating mood wise since court ended.  I nearly broke into tears when I signed the agreement.  I am glad things are settled, but sad it has to be this way to begin with.

Hopeless

My 7 year old son came home today and asked me if I'd ever been blamed for something I didn't do. He went on to say that he just got blamed for lighting a fire that he really didn't light. The Police came and he told them the story of how he didn't light the fire. Then the Police went to the house of the kid who was with him. The other kid told the Police they did it. I stood there and defended my kid in front of the Police. I went to the crime scene and took photos in hopes to find evidence they didn't do it. The my son told me they did do it. He lied to me and the Police and got me to lie to the Police for him. I am so very upset.

My son has now been in trouble with the Police THREE times - and he's only 7 years old. It was not supposed to be this way. The abuse he suffered at the hand and lips of his father has completely messed him up. He thinks violence is okay, and that he doesn't have to take responsibility for anything. He thinks he can lie his way out of anything - just like his father always did. It's been a year since we've been out of it, but he was in it his whole life until that point... how can I teach him the right way?

I hate myself so much right now. Staying in that relationship for so long was the worst possible thing I could do for my children. They are both messed up in their own way and I can't fix it. I have to keep trying to fix my ex's messes - and I hate that. He got off - with everything. He has had to pay no penalty for what he did to me or the kids, except that he can only see them supervised once a week. He doesn't have to deal with he did.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. I have court this week where him and his "girlfriend" are going to do a butchering job of me and my parenting skills and my life. I am not looking forward to it at all. I am just so deeply hurt by it all, and so deeply angry with myself.

I see no light and no hope at this moment.

Totally Random Quotes

"One day last week I was getting stressed about something, so when I came home at lunch, I “forced” my husband to just lay down with me for 10 minutes and cuddle me as I talked about what was on my mind. That made a world of difference in my day.

I say “forced” because physical touch is not my husband’s love language, and I sometimes have to make him fulfill what I need as it doesn’t come naturally to him."

"I said something to my husband last night that must have struck a cord with him, and he got mad. We were all planning to go to the movies, but he opted to go home instead. I took the kids and their friend to the movie by myself. When I got home, Honey and I didn’t talk, and I went right to bed. I was reading in the New Testament where Paul says, “To live is Christ, but to die is gain.” I was wondering how I could die without killing myself, just so I could get to Heaven. Of course I thought about my kids, family, and friends that I couldn’t imagine being without. And I thought about how I want to raise my kids in a great environment, with them having the best childhood possible. That is not happening right now, and that makes me feel guilty. I wish I could come right out and tell you everything that is going on, but I have real life friends that read this blog, and, well, word gets around."

"Most of the arguements between my husband and I center around money - mostly the lack thereof... Both my husband and I, with our combined incomes, make more than enough to keep our house and family running - with money left over. For some reason, no matter how may times I write down our income and subtract our expenses, it always turns out the same - money left over. The funny thing is, that money never seems to appear. It shows we should have it, but I don't see it. And, before we know it, we are waiting for our next paycheck. I don't understand, and it really contributes to my stress level. I should be living comfortably, not stressfully."

"As I was watching Elliot's anger flare, it made me realize that no one was angry for me when I was diagnosed. I don't have a father around, and I didn't talk to my step dad about it. It made me realize that I didn't have a dad to get mad about a lot of injustice's that happened in my life. I want someone to love me so deeply that they are having trouble with the fact that I'm bipolar. My husband continuously brushes it off. That just hurts me."

"After leaving the Hospital, I had a sudden revelation as to what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be a Professional Listener. Everyone has the need to be heard and understood. The lady in the Care Home wanted someone to listen to her and entertain her, I needed someone to vent to, and the friend needed someone whom she could confide in and find understanding from. This is a basic need! I want to be someone that goes around to Hospitals, homes, and other places where people would find so much wellness in just talking to someone for a while. I want to be able to share with them and pray with them. Question is, what kind of job gives me the opportunity to do this and get paid for it??? I know that counsellors listen to people, but they also need to give them advice in changing their life. I don't want to do that, per se, I want to meet them where they are, in a non-threatening environment, to talk and share about life and such."

No More Children

I went out of town with my friend today.  The day started out just fine, and we were having a good time... until the ride home...

My friend, L, has gone through an abusive marriage, too.  So, we have things in common.  We rarely talk about the abuse we've endured, but we each know we understand the other.  I don't remember how we got on the topic, but today we started to talk about having children.  She told me she found out 2 years after she got married that she was unable to get pregnant.  I remembered back to me getting pregnant with our children, and how I was only 24 when I got my tubes tied.  My husband and I decided that 2 was it, regardless if our second was a boy or a girl.  So, when I was signing the c-section papers, I also signed for my tubes to be tied.

I pushed for my husband to agree with me that 2 children are enough.  I talked about the cost of raising children, that we both work, and that 2 kids seem to be the norm.  And, at least they'd have each other to play with.

What I didn't tell him was the real reason there was no way I wanted any more children with him.

It hurts so much to even think about that I can't even say it here... not yet anyway.  Maybe in time - could be tomorrow, could be next month.  Just not yet.

Guilty Low

I had another low day today.  Yesterday wasn't low, just busy, but today was low... yet, it wasn't as low as I have been lately.  I didn't get dressed or showered until 9:30 tonight, but at least I didn't spend the day in bed.  Both kids went out for a while just after supper, so I did lock myself in my room and nap for a while.

I got everything I need together to bring to my appointment next week to get college on the go.  I've been accepted, and now I just wait to hear if the funding will go through.  I'm taking Social Services Worker.  Some days I am very confident in the career choice I have made, and other days I think, "Am I crazy??!!  I need too much help myself to be able to help anyone else!!"

I know that a big part of my depression is guilt... guilt for staying in a marriage for 11 years where I got called names daily, belittled daily, had sex against my will a couple times a week, and was physically threatened or violated frequently.  Why would anyone stay in that for so long? Why would any Mother watch her children being hurt and not do anything about because of fear for her own safety? Why didn't I lay down my life for the kids, no matter what that meant for me? Why was I so selfish?

How could I not feel guilty about those things???