Lack of Care

THIS SUCKS.  It so completely sucks.

I really feel that I have only 2 people in the entire world who care about me enough to make any kind of effort to see how I am doing.  Those 2 people are my best friend and my mother.

My best friend is married, so I know I can't be the center of his life all the time, and that is okay.  I totally understand that he has responsibilities that don't include me.  His wife, family and home are necessary everyday things to take care of.  That being said, I know that he loves me beyond a shadow of a doubt.  I know that he would spend more time with me if he was 'allowed', but that isn't possible.

My mother, well, she works full time and lives all the way across town.  Neither of us have a vehicle so it is usually difficult to see each other that often.  She came over on Sunday, and she is coming over this evening to watch the kids.  I also know that she has her own life and that I am not the center of it.  Yes, I am "Mommy's Baby", but what does that really mean?

I wonder if I am too focused on being the center of someone else's world, instead of making others the center of mine.  I know that I should make God, the kids, the house keep, and getting "well" my center - my reasons for being on this earth - but, it is sometimes hard.  I know there is so much more I should be doing - like making sure the house is always clean/tidy, making sure meals are proper and prepared on time, getting all the kids needs met and being completely involved in their lives.  I need to care more - about myself, about the kids, about the house, about our future, about everything.

That's what my problem is.  I just don't care enough.  Like the Jo Dee Messina song... "My Give A Damn's Busted".

Left Out

I feel so left out of everything.  I don't have a car, because my eventually-ex-husband took it from the kids and I.  He doesn't even have a Driver's License.  But, without transportation, I am unable to go anywhere I want and do the things I want to do - actually, I can't even do the things I NEED to do.  

We are church-goers.  Since I have no transportation, and the church we attended here has kicked us to the curb, we haven't been attending anywhere regularly.  We do make it to the town an hour away when our friend goes, but that's about it.  It is so difficult to not have that church support - especially since that is where I spent years and years of my life.

It is so tough to feel and be left out of everything.  It is degrading to not be able to do the things you want to do, and go the places you want to go.  Since the husband too the car, he is still abusing us.  He is controlling some of what we can and can't do, and that causes feelings of degradation. 

I feel like such a loser.