No More Children

I went out of town with my friend today.  The day started out just fine, and we were having a good time... until the ride home...

My friend, L, has gone through an abusive marriage, too.  So, we have things in common.  We rarely talk about the abuse we've endured, but we each know we understand the other.  I don't remember how we got on the topic, but today we started to talk about having children.  She told me she found out 2 years after she got married that she was unable to get pregnant.  I remembered back to me getting pregnant with our children, and how I was only 24 when I got my tubes tied.  My husband and I decided that 2 was it, regardless if our second was a boy or a girl.  So, when I was signing the c-section papers, I also signed for my tubes to be tied.

I pushed for my husband to agree with me that 2 children are enough.  I talked about the cost of raising children, that we both work, and that 2 kids seem to be the norm.  And, at least they'd have each other to play with.

What I didn't tell him was the real reason there was no way I wanted any more children with him.

It hurts so much to even think about that I can't even say it here... not yet anyway.  Maybe in time - could be tomorrow, could be next month.  Just not yet.

Guilty Low

I had another low day today.  Yesterday wasn't low, just busy, but today was low... yet, it wasn't as low as I have been lately.  I didn't get dressed or showered until 9:30 tonight, but at least I didn't spend the day in bed.  Both kids went out for a while just after supper, so I did lock myself in my room and nap for a while.

I got everything I need together to bring to my appointment next week to get college on the go.  I've been accepted, and now I just wait to hear if the funding will go through.  I'm taking Social Services Worker.  Some days I am very confident in the career choice I have made, and other days I think, "Am I crazy??!!  I need too much help myself to be able to help anyone else!!"

I know that a big part of my depression is guilt... guilt for staying in a marriage for 11 years where I got called names daily, belittled daily, had sex against my will a couple times a week, and was physically threatened or violated frequently.  Why would anyone stay in that for so long? Why would any Mother watch her children being hurt and not do anything about because of fear for her own safety? Why didn't I lay down my life for the kids, no matter what that meant for me? Why was I so selfish?

How could I not feel guilty about those things???

Depressive Thyroid

I went to see my Counselor the other day, and she suggested anti-depressants to me.  I told her that medication isn't even an option until after court is over.  She understood why that is necessary.  I stopped in to see her again yesterday because of some things that had come up over the evening/morning.  She told me that she had a "Case Conference" with the Nurse about me and that after court is over, the Nurse will talk to me about anti-depressants.

The curve in it, is that my thyroid is low.  Low thyroid can do all kinds of things to the body, including low grade depression, low energy, and chills.  I had those symptoms for most of the winter.  I just got blood work done again to check it, and, if it is still as low as it was back in September, then my dose will be upped. I know that will make a big difference.

Normal thyroid range is between 9 and 23.  Mine, in Sept., sat at a 13.  Technically, that was normal.  But, when I was diagnosed a few years ago, my doctor and I went trial by error to see where I function best.  Turns out, I need to be a high normal.  13 just doesn't cut it for me.

So, after trial, I should have my results back and started on a higher dose.  Then, I will be able to determine if my depression is because of the low thyroid, or because I'm just plain depressed.  If the latter is the case, anti-depressants will be recommended to me... I'm really not sure I would even consider it at that point.

Struggling

First of all, thank you so much, J, for your positive words and encouragement. I really appreciate your thoughts and comments, and especially your prayers.

I did 2 of the 3 things that were on my list last night, and I did one thing that wasn't. So, that is pretty good.

This morning started out bad with both kids being disrespectful towards me. I crawled back in to bed when they left for school, but then my Mom called and asked if she could come over to spend the morning with me. So, I got up and showered and was ready for the day when she arrived. We hung around home for a while, then went out for lunch before she went to work and I went to my counselor appointment.

We didn't work on what we had been working on recently (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), and instead dealt with the current situations of my life - depression and children. She said some harsh things to me that I need to take into consideration. There are things I have to change that I am just not wanting to do.

I am really not feeling well right now. My emotions are everywhere. I need to figure out what to do to cope.

Need for New

I felt the need to do this blogging thing in a new way because I just can't blog my real thoughts when I know that people know who I really am (if that makes any sense).  There is just so much more freedom when I don't have to worry about what people think, and when I don't have to "soften" my words because I don't know if the wrong person/people are reading it.

All that being said, here is the beginning of my raw thoughts and emotions being poured out...

I'm depressed.  I have no motivation to do what I need to be doing as a mother.  I feel alone and worthless.  I avoid going out of the house if at all possible.  I don't keep up on the housework (but, it's not a pig sty), and my main priority everyday is to survive.  I spent most of the morning and early afternoon in bed.  Sleeping some, but hiding for the most part.  A friend of mine wanted to pop in for a few minutes.  I said "no" because I just couldn't face anyone, I was still in my jammies, I was unshowered, and the kitchen hadn't been tidied yet.  Yeah, it may seem like stupid reasons, but they were and are legitimate to me.  Just because I feel like crap, doesn't mean I have to let people know that's how I feel.  If my friend would have come over, my depressive episode would have been obvious.  And, well, I don't like people knowing the "down" side of me.

After that, I did shower and tidy a little.  I got supper (well, put a pizza in the oven).  I have a couple things I want to do tonight, but I am finding it very difficult to push myself to do it.  I want to unload and reload the dishwasher, make Mars Krispie Bars, and clean off the kitchen table.  That may not seem like much to you, but it is to someone who can hardly find what it takes to get herself a drink.

That's where I am today.  Tomorrow could be opposite.  I have to see my counselor tomorrow - and she makes everything better!