Need for New

I felt the need to do this blogging thing in a new way because I just can't blog my real thoughts when I know that people know who I really am (if that makes any sense).  There is just so much more freedom when I don't have to worry about what people think, and when I don't have to "soften" my words because I don't know if the wrong person/people are reading it.

All that being said, here is the beginning of my raw thoughts and emotions being poured out...

I'm depressed.  I have no motivation to do what I need to be doing as a mother.  I feel alone and worthless.  I avoid going out of the house if at all possible.  I don't keep up on the housework (but, it's not a pig sty), and my main priority everyday is to survive.  I spent most of the morning and early afternoon in bed.  Sleeping some, but hiding for the most part.  A friend of mine wanted to pop in for a few minutes.  I said "no" because I just couldn't face anyone, I was still in my jammies, I was unshowered, and the kitchen hadn't been tidied yet.  Yeah, it may seem like stupid reasons, but they were and are legitimate to me.  Just because I feel like crap, doesn't mean I have to let people know that's how I feel.  If my friend would have come over, my depressive episode would have been obvious.  And, well, I don't like people knowing the "down" side of me.

After that, I did shower and tidy a little.  I got supper (well, put a pizza in the oven).  I have a couple things I want to do tonight, but I am finding it very difficult to push myself to do it.  I want to unload and reload the dishwasher, make Mars Krispie Bars, and clean off the kitchen table.  That may not seem like much to you, but it is to someone who can hardly find what it takes to get herself a drink.

That's where I am today.  Tomorrow could be opposite.  I have to see my counselor tomorrow - and she makes everything better!