Guilty Low

I had another low day today.  Yesterday wasn't low, just busy, but today was low... yet, it wasn't as low as I have been lately.  I didn't get dressed or showered until 9:30 tonight, but at least I didn't spend the day in bed.  Both kids went out for a while just after supper, so I did lock myself in my room and nap for a while.

I got everything I need together to bring to my appointment next week to get college on the go.  I've been accepted, and now I just wait to hear if the funding will go through.  I'm taking Social Services Worker.  Some days I am very confident in the career choice I have made, and other days I think, "Am I crazy??!!  I need too much help myself to be able to help anyone else!!"

I know that a big part of my depression is guilt... guilt for staying in a marriage for 11 years where I got called names daily, belittled daily, had sex against my will a couple times a week, and was physically threatened or violated frequently.  Why would anyone stay in that for so long? Why would any Mother watch her children being hurt and not do anything about because of fear for her own safety? Why didn't I lay down my life for the kids, no matter what that meant for me? Why was I so selfish?

How could I not feel guilty about those things???