Hate?

So much to do and so behind it in all...

My kiddies were away for two weeks - you'd think I had time to catch up on stuff and even get ahead on things. No. Such. Luck.

I am a procrastinator at best, and a time-waster no doubt.  I find anything to do except what I should be doing.

I'm not feeling very well today, mostly emotionally.  I have a paper to finish that is already late, and I have things to do this week that are a must.

Question: why do I keep putting things off??  I really hate that part of myself.

I also hate that I'm overweight, but I guess not enough to do something about it.

Is that what it needs to get to? Hating a certain part of me enough that I finally decide to change it?

I dunno.

Anyway, gotta get to this school work whether I feel like it or not.  The one thing I do hate enough to make sure it doesn't happen is failure.

Update: I discovered that I am putting this particular assignment off for so long because it's difficult... it's actually a hard assignment. Only God can help me now.

Time Keeps On Ticking

It really has been too long since I was here... so long, in fact, that I forgot my login name and password!!

I am in College full time and have already made it through one semester and came out with a 4.0 gpa. I'm okay with that :) This semester is going okay, except for the one class that I just can't get in to, mostly due to the monotone teacher. My classmates are amazing, and I'm SOOO supposed to be a part of their group. God's timing, for sure.

My not-ex-yet moved back to Saskatchewan at the end of January. The kids are doing okay, but it's still a change that they must get used to.

Physically, I still need to lose weight, but I have almost completely stopped eating for emotional reasons, so that is a start. My thyroid is still not quite up to par, but we're working on it.

Emotionally, this has been a roller coaster week and I have been working through some stuff from the past, connecting feelings with behaviors and the like. It's a sometimes tough road, but I know it will be worth it in the end.

Mentally, I'm good. Great actually. I am really enjoying all the things I am learning in class and I feel like my brain has doubled in size since I started back to College. I know what I need to do, but for some reason, procrastination still likes to take over. It's a work in progress, for sure.

Spiritually, it's a battle, to be honest. I haven't had a home church for so long now and it is often difficult to even think about the church life I used to have. It was a central part of who I was, and I'm still trying to find my way without it. I haven't been reading my Bible, and my prayers are short and simple. I know that God knows my heart, but I am really not making much effort these days. I want that to change, and I look forward to a new church when I finally move out of here.

There's my holistic check-in for ya! :)

Take care and hope to talk soon!

Hug Goodbye

I went to see my counsellor today for an unplanned visit.  I went there with intention, even though I was scared out of my mind...

I have been thinking a lot lately about my progress versus need to see a professional.  Every time I would even think about our upcoming session, I would get panicky and stressed.  I still don't know why this happened.

Anyway, today I went to see her.  I knew I had to "break up" with her and putting it off wasn't beneficial to either of us.  It was small talk to begin with, then I acknowledged that I was avoiding my reason for being there.  Finally I just came out and said it, "I don't think I need to see you anymore."  Her response was, "You were avoiding telling me that?" 

So, we talked about my reasons for coming to the conclusion that I no longer need to be seeing her on a regular basis, and why I was scared to tell her.

All ended well.  She said her door is always open for any time I need to vent.

I love her.

Just before leaving her office, I asked her if it was okay if I hug her.  She agreed.

That was the hug goodbye.

Priorities

It's been just about a month since I posted... and what a month it's been!!

We moved into our new place - and it's all good.  There's still a pile of things I don't have unpacked yet, but we have out the things we need to survive and I ask myself daily why we need the things that are still in boxes if we've already lived 3 weeks without them.

The kids are back to school and so am I.  It's challenging to be going to school full time and be a full time mom (even though the kids do get to go with their dad every second weekend which really helps me).  No matter what, there's always laundry, dishes, housework, school work and children work.  When I sit down and do nothing, it's not because there's nothing to do.  That's for sure.

It is tough to be alone and have to do so much.  It's hard to get back into the regular schedule with packing lunches (remembering to buy stuff to go IN those lunches), getting a supper meal prepared (when I come home tired from school, too) then spend the evening doing housework and school work.  Something will always suffer... I just hope it's the house work and not my schooling.  I really want to do this course and do it well.  I so want to have a career that I can be proud of and that will give me opportunities to help others and help myself/children.

I'm not feeling emotionally well today.  I feel like there's just too much to do.  So, I need to get my priorities straightened out now and my emotions back in check so that I can get on with this couse and life.  I also really need to lose weight.  That's a battle for me and I know that I would have so much more energy if I was at an ideal weight.  Here I am adding something else to my list...

1. Kids

2. School

3. House

4. Ministry (I don't really know what that looks like yet)

5. Lose weight

I want to be able to do all these things and do them all well, but I just can't see that happening.  What do I drop? Most people can only focus on 2 or 3 things at a time.  So, I guess the last 2 things will continue to be on hold for now.  What choice do I have?

That's all for now. I gotta try to do some homework.  It would suck to fall behind this early in the semester.

Now = Crazy!!

I'm gonna have to come clean and be honest with someone...

Things are super crazy and busy right now.  I should be doing more than I am, but I find myself not able to do what I need to.

I have one chapter and one big paper left to finish for the course I am taking.  I need to have it done by September 5th, because the next day I start College - and I obviously can't be doing both at once.  So, that gives me 1.5 weeks to get it done.  Normally, that wouldn't be a big deal... then comes the monkey wrench... We are moving into a different house on September 1st.  That means I have to pack and unpack while trying to finish up my course.

Crazy.

I also have appointments and engagements during this time period.  I am meeting with the Social Services lady tomorrow to get assistance from them because the funding I am receiving from the Government isn't enough to live on.  Also this week: my daughter has a dental appointment, we are taking the kids to the fair in the town an hour away, and I have to get them ready for back to school (it starts next Tuesday). 

How in the world am I gonna get all this accomplished??!!  My Mom is around and helps out as much as possible, but she also works more than full time hours at her job.

On top of it all, I really don't feel emotionally well.  I haven't had an appointment with my counselor for about a month, I've been trying to do it on my own.  For the most part, that works.  I have come a long way, and I have a best friend who helps me though everything.  I like my counselor because she is an outside source to all that is going on.  I feel like I can vent to her, get fresh perspective, take what I want and leave what I don't.  There are times I come out of her office more messed up than when I went in, but she is helpful.

Anyway, that's where I am in a nutshell.  Hope all is well with all of you!!  <3

Summer and Fall

The kids had their first overnight with their Dad over the weekend.  The were both apprehensive about it at first, but they both did really well and are looking forward to their next one.  They each have their own rooms at his place, so that helps.

I had a night alone!  It was nice to be able to do whatever I wanted.  I cleaned up first, then had a long bubble bath.  Then, I watched movies, ate nachos, had a smoothie, and did laundry  in there somewhere!  I went for coffee at 10pm, which was strange because I rarely get to leave the house after 9, and the kids are always with me.

I really do want the visits to work out.  I want the schedule to work, everything run smoothly, and things just work great. 

This fall is going to be different for sure.  I am going to be in College full time taking Social Services Worker, and the kids will be gone every second weekend.  On those weekends, I will get them out to school Thursday morning, and not see them again until Monday after school.  I've never been away from them that long, and definitely not that often.  It's gonna be strange.  Probably difficult for the first little bit, but as long as it runs smoothly, then I'm okay with that.

Emotionally I am doing okay.  I've had some breakthroughs and realizations which have helped me significantly.  I still see my counsellor once every two weeks, but I am anticipating that will stop once fall comes since I will be in school during the day, every day.  I guess I'll wait and see how that works out.

My biggest need right now is a car.  I haven't had one for over a year, and I'm thinking it's time I get one.  It will be especially needed since I will be in school, getting to and from is pretty important!  It's not that far to walk, but in the bitter cold, I am thinking walking will not be an option.  Plus, I'll need to pick up my daughter from school since she is too told to take the bus.  Again, guess I'll wait and see how that works out.

That's all for now!! I gotta get back at the Philosophy stuff!!

Hey...

Hi Friends,

Things have been going okay, pretty good if you consider all the changes that have been going on.

The kids are now seeing their father UNsupervised.  The first time, I admit, was more than scary, but everything worked out.

I really wish I would keep this space up to date more and express my feelings about the things that are happening...

Anyway...  Visits have been going well.  I have had to set my boundaries a few times with the soon-to-be ex, but it's smoothing out.  

That's all for now.  Gotta go meet my daughter!